Fake News Daily

Company Spends Millions On Squirrels

Münich, Germany. A chocolate company CEO has spent millions of dollars training squirrels to crack nuts for his production line. "Turkish kids ain't fast enough", said Schaisse Schokolade Corp. CEO, Herrmann Himmler. "We got zo feed zem, but zeem started zo complain about ze dog food we gave zem, zo apart from making $0.5 an hour, zey complained!" Two thousand assasin squirrels have been imported from New Zealand to Schaisse Schokolade instalations. For

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April 8, 200521 yr

Pawned Computer Had Cow Porn

Bahalad, Morocco. A Bahalad pawn shop owner is credited with directing police to an alleged cow porn suspect. Police say a 43-year-old morocco man left 304 images of bovine pornography on a computer he brought into a pawn shop. Mohammed Albahad was arrested over the weekend. Police say Albahad was trying to get cash when he sold his laptop to National Pawn & Casinos, last week. The store's owner spotted cow pornography on the laptop this Wednesday. Bahalad County Police & Camel Trans

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April 14, 200521 yr

Serial Dater Caught Out

Scotland, UK. Police in Scotland have caught a serial dater who invited women for romantic meals at expensive restaurants, then ran off while laughing, leaving them to pay the bill. Police say that the tricky bastard, George Gotcha, 23, struck dozens of times in the town of Suceava in eastern Scotland. He was finally caught after restaurant owners were issued with a photofit image of his face and an used condom. Five women have so far come forward to officially register a complaint against G

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April 20, 200521 yr

Man Lodged Toothbrush in Rectum

Manchuria, China. A toothbrush was used to relieve a different "cavity" when a geriatric dumbass decided to use the dental instrument to scratch his hemorrhoids. The 79-year-old man ordered into the hospital after the toothbrush became lodged in his rectum. An X-ray revealed it was deep inside near his pelvis. Although this was first recorded case of a toothbrush having to be removed from the rectum, the Manchurian Dental-Anal Journal reports doctors have recovered toothb

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April 25, 200521 yr

Upset With Penile Surgery Mails Bomb

Bucharest, Romania. A man allegedly unhappy with penile-enlargement surgery he underwent mailed explosives to a Romanian plastic surgeon, according to a federal grand jury indictment. Blakov Moronivov, 24, allegedly made an explosive device that included a model-rocket engine igniter inside a fridge box, the federal indictment said. Moronivov drove to North Bucharest, last Saturday and mailed the box, but then drive home to Braila, called 911, and turned himself in, according to the indictmen

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April 18, 200521 yr

Rasta Aims Wrong Target

A Jamaican man with a longheld grudge against a dentist tried to run him over - but got the wrong dentist. Yamile Woodstick, 47, from Kingston, hated the dentist after he allegedly pulled out the wrong teeth in 1994, and then botched the repair work. The anger boiled over after a heavy drinking & marihuana session, and the man climbed into his car to drive to the dental surgery to tell the dentist what he thought of him. But he confused his dentist with another dentist who, by chance, was

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April 15, 200521 yr

Inmates' Boredom Provokes Chaos

Dumbeley, Washington, US. Mario Juárez Pereira, general manager of the Dumbeley County Public Service Sewer District And Pedopholist Center, said the county has spent approximately $11,000 to clear out the jams during the past six months and more than 200 hours of inmigrate and underpayed labor, provoked from inmate boredom. "We know that inmates are likely to flush inappropriate things in an attempt to flood cells, or in an attempt, just out of boredom, of something else to do</i&

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April 13, 200521 yr

Man Detains Naked Intruder

Stabville, California, US. A man who awoke this Tuesday morning to find an armed and naked intruder standing over his bed, subdued the suspect until police arrived, authorities said. Enron Wallmart, 35, told police that the intruder identified as 18-year-old Niger Junkieson, was carrying a butter knife and said the anti-Christ had sent him to the house to kill Wallmart. Wallmart grabbed Junkieson and pulled him onto the bed by his testicules. After a short struggle, Junkieson was detained by

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April 12, 200521 yr

Star Farts Dumb Fans Won't Listen

Utah, US. Star Farts fans who have spent the last seven weeks queuing for the opening of the new film have been told they are camping outside the wrong cinema. Fans camping outside the Christian Center And Porn Theatre 2000, in Clodwood, read on Fake News Daily newspaper, that <a href="http://www.gamingcr.com/forums/blog/xygvot/index.php?cmd=showentry&eid=89">Star Farts: Episode III - Revenge of the Molinas</a> will open

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April 8, 200521 yr

Lawyer Accidentally Sues Self

Salt Lake City, Utah, US. Recent court documents made public this Tuesday, suggest that Jack Thompson, a lawyer known for his crusade against things including videogames, puppies, granny porn and electricity, accidentally sued himself in a class-action lawsuit filed two weeks ago in Florida district court. In The Association for Moral Judgment vs. Various Sons of Biatches, Thompson lays out a litigious framework so broad that he may have in fact sued ever

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April 5, 200521 yr

Man Stabbed For 'Dirty Look'

Tokyo, Japan. An unemployed kid stabbed a stranger in front of Dragon Ball Station and was arrested this morning, police reported. The kid, Juichi "Long Knife" Ohura, 12, of no fixed address, has been accused of attempted murder. Ohura was lining up at the taxi stand in front of Dragon Ball Station in the capital's Chiyoda-ku and stabbed a man behind him in the chest at about 1:20 a.m. Ohura said the victim was giving him a dirty look when he turned around. "He w

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April 4, 200521 yr

Cargo Worker Takes Unexpected Trip

Milwaukee, US. An airport worker loading baggage in Milwaukee got locked inside the cargo hold of an airplane that flew to Thailand. The worker, Juanillo Anderson, was “freaked out”, with some injuries from some bronco horses held within the cargo zone, a spokeswoman for Midwest Airlines said Friday. The cargo hold was heated and pressurized and full of bronco shiat. The man was stowing a wheelchair aboard the plane when other employees closed the cargo door because they di

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March 29, 200521 yr

Suicidal Hillbilly Sues Officers

Knoxville, Texas, US. Thomas Martin McGoodrich, 41, apparently set on committing suicide, left a note and painted a bull's-eye on his body before arranging a standoff in which he pointed a gun at police officers so they would kill him in self-defense. McGoodrich's scheme failed because Knox County sheriff's deputies, who fired 28 shots at him, missed 27 and only grazed his shoulder with the other. McGoodrich will be suing the state of Texas and the Knox County sheriffs for incompetence. &

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March 28, 200521 yr

Doll Mistaken For Alien

Ananova, Ukraine. A burnt rubber doll was mistaken for a badly injured alien and taken to a hospital in Ukraine. It happened after people in Ananova found a burnt "body" on the ground after seeing a fireball fall from the sky. A police spokesman told Pizdobol News: "Many people were terrified thinking that an alien invasion was taking place." "They thought the doll was a burnt E.T. and more than 50 people called the station." The "<

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March 21, 200521 yr

One More Animal Abuser Caught

Buchilanga, Nigeria. A nigerian man on trial for having sex with dogs claims he "did it out of compassion for man's best friend", a Court report stated this morning. Buchilanga County Major Court reported the 26-year old in the eastern Nigerian town of Genkojucha, told the court he had sex with dogs "out of love for animals," since a lot of them can't have sex, especially those locked up in refuges. The man, only identified by his initials, could face six

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March 18, 200521 yr

Doll Sparks Bomb Alert At Postoffice

Casablanca, Morocco. A blow-up sex doll sparked a bomb alert in a Morocco post office after it started to vibrate inside a package awaiting delivery, police said Wednesday. "Workers almost shat their pants when it began vibrating and made strange noises like 'Yeah yeah!' and 'Hannibal is sexy!'," a spokesman for police in the eastern city of Casablanca said. "They were worried the package might be a sex bomb." Officers brought the sender to the scene and

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March 17, 200521 yr

Youngster Almost Dies During Contest

Kiila City Beach, LA, US. A college spring breaker from Mushroomer was seriously injured when he fell from a balcony during a spitting contest in Kiila City Beach, LA, according to police. Marlon McBrutus, 19, of Hazleton, Mushroomer, was on the second floor of the Afrika Best Value Inn about midnight this Tuesday when he leaned over the railing, lost his grip and fell onto concrete during a contest to see who could spit the farthest, said police Maj. Doo

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March 16, 200521 yr

Third Time Unlucky

St. Petersburg, Russia. It was a case of third time unlucky for a hapless but determined Croatian thief who was arrested three times on the same day for three different crimes, a report said. Identified only as Merlin, the 34-year-old was caught breaking into a car on this Tuesday morning and taken to a police station in the St. Petersburg suburb of Idza, the Idza Police Dept. reported. He was released after giving a statement but returned a few hours later after causing a car accident in ano

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March 15, 200521 yr

Warcraft 3: 1.18 out!

Today, Battle.net admins released a statement in which they claim that the anticipated patch 1.18 for their RTS hit The Frozen Throne, has been put on beta testing on the WestFall Server.Changes include:Night Elves:-New: Warden Fan of Knives nerfed to 0,0001 hp damage for every hit. Overuse of this ability will make the Warden dizzy and slow at walking, approaching to realistic simulation of real life physics.-New: Warden Blink ability will only be able to be used once a day, the use of the abil

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February 16, 200521 yr

Robot To Help Cancer Diagnosis

London, England. British scientists are developing a tiny robot to fit inside human anus, which will improve the accuracy of biopsies taken to screen for prostate cancer. Needle biopsies are currently taken from the prostate using ultrasound technology to detect where the prostate gland is. But Dr Arthur Visceral, of Idiotic College London, told Fake News Daily that ultrasounds provided poor image quality, which makes knowing where to take the biopsy from difficult. "<i

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March 15, 200521 yr

Pets Save More Relationships

Mafoila, Montana, US. Forget Dr. Corazón, pets are the best medicine when it comes to maintaining a relationship. Rachela Crocó, author of the book, "The Ape and I: Why It's So Easy to Love an Animal, and So Hard to Live with a Man", says when couples share a pet, they become closer and see their own faults in their animals. For instance, Crocó says she once shared her pet ape with an ex-boyfriend and began to see her own personality traits reflected in the ape, such as se

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March 14, 200521 yr

Star Farts III Will Be "darker"

Lagues, Nigeria. Porn actor and filmmaker Jorge Luckass says his upcoming sixth and final installment in the blockbuster "Star Farts" film franchise is the darkest and most odor of the series, and is likely to be the first movie in the six-film set to land a more restrictive rating than PG. "I don't think I would take a 5- or 6-year-old to this," Luckass said in a FBS "60 Seconds" interview. "My feeling is that it will probably

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March 11, 200521 yr

Friend Meeting Ends Violently

Canuckheads, Canada. A recent police report states that a riot took place in a yet undisclosed area of Canuckheads forest, where a supposed close gang of friends turned out into a punch fest. According to local Canuckheads Sheriff Morgan Weedlegg, subjects were "under high influence of drugs and alcohol, like weed and vodka". It all turn violent when "that gay bear, from all of a sudden, started to say that he loved us and tried to hug us all," said a dr

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March 7, 200521 yr

Fantasy Puppet Sues Jackson

Rome, Italy Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio, turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation. "Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suff

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March 10, 200521 yr

Prosecutors Announced Dog in Murder Case

Buthpark, Ark, US. Prosecutors hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree. They sent out a batch of announcement for anyone who had contact with Marlon Feliciano while he was jailed awaiting his murder trial. One of those announcement went out to 5-year-old Murphy Feliciano - Feliciano's dog, it turned out. The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the dog's name got on the witness list. Prosecutors realized the mistake o

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March 10, 200521 yr

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