Fake News Daily

Weatherman shot down for "lying"

St. Petersburg, Russia. A weather forecaster was shot last night when visiting a restaurant in downtown St. Petersburg by a citizen. The citizen, Bjaru Dotlavsky, said he shot local weatherman, Jail Nerov, because "he said on the news, it wasn't going to snow today, and i almost drowned in the goddamn 12" of snow" that fell that afternoon. Nerov is recovering from a shotgun wound in his chest at St. Petersburg Hospital. "They [weather forecasters]<i

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February 23, 200521 yr

Game patch causes world chaos

Redmond, Seattle. Video Games hit developer, Blizzard Entertainment, has declared bankruptcy after their sales decreased, moments later after releasing patch 1.12 for their RTS game, StarCraft. "We got completely screwed up by the rally point", told Jimmy Cattler, Sales Department Director. Apparently, one of the patch features, changed the rally point from letter R+left mouse button to simply mouse left button. This

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February 24, 200521 yr

Police with new resources

Camberra, Australia. At the Camberra Police Department, work has been getting quite busy. Robbery and criminal activity has increased twice since last year. So to help the force to battle this out, Camberran Police Chief, Dan Lutella has recruited new police dogs. "These dogs are very special" states Lutella, when asked about what's so special about these dogs he says: "[...] they can pick up a gun, and aim and shoot you down. We've been givin'em some drugs we'

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February 21, 200521 yr

Israeli leader molested by ghost

Tel Aviv, Israel. According to government representatives, israeli prime Minister, Ariel Sharon has had contact with the undying ghost of legendary palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat. Arafat has been making requests on behalf of his people by some unorthodox means. "He (Arafat) has been showing up in Sharon's dreams, mirrors, underwear and home toilets" states a reliable israeli source. <br

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February 17, 200521 yr

One More Animal Abuser Caught

Buchilanga, Nigeria. A nigerian man on trial for having sex with dogs claims he "did it out of compassion for man's best friend", a Court report stated this morning. Buchilanga County Major Court reported the 26-year old in the eastern Nigerian town of Genkojucha, told the court he had sex with dogs "out of love for animals," since a lot of them can't have sex, especially those locked up in refuges. The man, only identified by his initials, could face six

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March 18, 200521 yr

Star Farts III Will Be "darker"

Lagues, Nigeria. Porn actor and filmmaker Jorge Luckass says his upcoming sixth and final installment in the blockbuster "Star Farts" film franchise is the darkest and most odor of the series, and is likely to be the first movie in the six-film set to land a more restrictive rating than PG. "I don't think I would take a 5- or 6-year-old to this," Luckass said in a FBS "60 Seconds" interview. "My feeling is that it will probably

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March 11, 200521 yr

Doll Mistaken For Alien

Ananova, Ukraine. A burnt rubber doll was mistaken for a badly injured alien and taken to a hospital in Ukraine. It happened after people in Ananova found a burnt "body" on the ground after seeing a fireball fall from the sky. A police spokesman told Pizdobol News: "Many people were terrified thinking that an alien invasion was taking place." "They thought the doll was a burnt E.T. and more than 50 people called the station." The "<

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March 21, 200521 yr

Man Stabbed For 'Dirty Look'

Tokyo, Japan. An unemployed kid stabbed a stranger in front of Dragon Ball Station and was arrested this morning, police reported. The kid, Juichi "Long Knife" Ohura, 12, of no fixed address, has been accused of attempted murder. Ohura was lining up at the taxi stand in front of Dragon Ball Station in the capital's Chiyoda-ku and stabbed a man behind him in the chest at about 1:20 a.m. Ohura said the victim was giving him a dirty look when he turned around. "He w

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April 4, 200521 yr

Third Time Unlucky

St. Petersburg, Russia. It was a case of third time unlucky for a hapless but determined Croatian thief who was arrested three times on the same day for three different crimes, a report said. Identified only as Merlin, the 34-year-old was caught breaking into a car on this Tuesday morning and taken to a police station in the St. Petersburg suburb of Idza, the Idza Police Dept. reported. He was released after giving a statement but returned a few hours later after causing a car accident in ano

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March 15, 200521 yr

Dalai Lama cancels quickie marriage

The Dalai Lama returned to Spain for the first time since his Euro tour last fall. While at first the nature of this visit was unknown, it was soon discovered that the Dalai Lama had come back to Barcelona to get an annulment for his whirlwind marriage to Mariana Canseca, 22, an aerobics instructor from La Coruña.A spokesman for the Dalai claimed that the couple had "simply made a mistake. The Dalai Lama had originally perceived Miss Canseca as a 'kind and ancient soul of wisdom', but in retrosp

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February 16, 200521 yr

Man Detains Naked Intruder

Stabville, California, US. A man who awoke this Tuesday morning to find an armed and naked intruder standing over his bed, subdued the suspect until police arrived, authorities said. Enron Wallmart, 35, told police that the intruder identified as 18-year-old Niger Junkieson, was carrying a butter knife and said the anti-Christ had sent him to the house to kill Wallmart. Wallmart grabbed Junkieson and pulled him onto the bed by his testicules. After a short struggle, Junkieson was detained by

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April 12, 200521 yr

Supplier sued for 'flatulent' footwear

The customer complaints were unrelenting: With every step they took, their shoe insoles made a very offensive sound: The sound of someone farting. "It very nearly put us out of business" said Garret Luna, an officer with Cousy Products Inc. The company had to throw away at least 35,000 pairs, said attorney Robert Cassuel. Cousy Products Inc. sued a former supplier, Marc Labs, accusing it of delivering the wrong chemical that caused bubbles to form inside the insoles. When

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February 18, 200521 yr

Youngster Almost Dies During Contest

Kiila City Beach, LA, US. A college spring breaker from Mushroomer was seriously injured when he fell from a balcony during a spitting contest in Kiila City Beach, LA, according to police. Marlon McBrutus, 19, of Hazleton, Mushroomer, was on the second floor of the Afrika Best Value Inn about midnight this Tuesday when he leaned over the railing, lost his grip and fell onto concrete during a contest to see who could spit the farthest, said police Maj. Doo

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March 16, 200521 yr

Woman Accused Of Naked Dog Wrestling

Fresco, Canberra, Australia. A 40-year-old woman described as a transient was jailed in Fresco -- accused of jumping a fence to wrestle naked with a dog. The arrest description indicated that Katherine McAshole scaled the four-foot fence just before midnight Thursday, then stripped in order to wrestle with the male Labrador retriever-blue heeler mix. Residents of the home awoke from the noise and called police. Responding officers said McAshole told them she was having sex with the dog, and

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March 4, 200521 yr

Terrorists Plot Icon Kidnap

JohnesVille, Utah, US. In one of the more bizarre terror plots hatched by al-Qaeda, universal icon Barney was the target of a kidnapping scheme as part of a "cultural destabilisation plan". Barney has revealed he was approached by the FBI in the months leading up to his Grammy Award win for Barney's Gangbang DVD in 2001 and warned, vaguely, of the threat: "That was the first [time] I'd ever heard the phrase al-Qaeda. It was about - and here's anot

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March 8, 200521 yr

Star Farts Dumb Fans Won't Listen

Utah, US. Star Farts fans who have spent the last seven weeks queuing for the opening of the new film have been told they are camping outside the wrong cinema. Fans camping outside the Christian Center And Porn Theatre 2000, in Clodwood, read on Fake News Daily newspaper, that <a href="http://www.gamingcr.com/forums/blog/xygvot/index.php?cmd=showentry&eid=89">Star Farts: Episode III - Revenge of the Molinas</a> will open

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April 8, 200521 yr

Men Upset With McHammed's Threaten To Bomb

Hillbilly Town, TX, US. A statewide alert remained in effect in Texas Friday for two men accused of threatening to blow up the Pentagon. Hillbilly Town authorities and officials with the FBI and the Texas Department of Public Safety said a man in his 50s and a man in his 40s were apparently upset with the food and service at a McHammed's restaurant in Hillbilly Town, Texas, at about 2 p.m. Thursday when they made the alleged threats. The manager notified Hillbilly Town police about the threat

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February 28, 200521 yr

'Inadequate Music' Awakens Boy From Coma

San Carlos, New Jersey, US. Music fan Carlos George Velázquez was unconscious for two weeks on a life support machine after being knocked down by an ice cream car on his twenty-ninth birthday. Then his mother Toñita played him a CD by a lame punk-pop band, Solitary Thong Wearing Men. Less than an hour after hearing the album, Thong My Idiot, Carlos had opened his eyes and was able to move his fingers and toes and then threw up. "It's a miracle!

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March 8, 200521 yr

Robot To Help Cancer Diagnosis

London, England. British scientists are developing a tiny robot to fit inside human anus, which will improve the accuracy of biopsies taken to screen for prostate cancer. Needle biopsies are currently taken from the prostate using ultrasound technology to detect where the prostate gland is. But Dr Arthur Visceral, of Idiotic College London, told Fake News Daily that ultrasounds provided poor image quality, which makes knowing where to take the biopsy from difficult. "<i

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March 15, 200521 yr

Frenchies to stop nuclear tests

Paris, France. French President Jacques Cirac announced today the stop of nuclear tests in the East Indian sea. The ecologists' representative, Sponge Bob Squarepants, said this was a like a "big pineapple, baha!". Furthermore, the cooperation between both authorities will allow the preservation of endangered species (including indonesians), and prevent any more tsunamis in the area.

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February 17, 200521 yr

Extreme disturbance in Earth’s core

Geologists in India and the rest of the world are receiving signals of a very disturbed mantel and core of the earth. According to some computer models, the outer core and the mantel is getting extremely heated. This can cause extreme tension on the earth’s crust and the tectonic plates. The net result can be increased earthquakes and volcanoes. The reports coming from every continent says that the volcanoes, geysers and mud volcanoes all are ready to explode. "It [eart

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February 25, 200521 yr

Prosecutors Announced Dog in Murder Case

Buthpark, Ark, US. Prosecutors hoping for a witness in a murder case to roll over were barking up the wrong tree. They sent out a batch of announcement for anyone who had contact with Marlon Feliciano while he was jailed awaiting his murder trial. One of those announcement went out to 5-year-old Murphy Feliciano - Feliciano's dog, it turned out. The defendant had written his dog a letter from his cell, and that is how the dog's name got on the witness list. Prosecutors realized the mistake o

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March 10, 200521 yr

Airplane crashes, virus could be the cause

Poitiers, France. A Kaboom Airlines flight crashed-landed this evening, when the laser guidance system failed, reported Poitiers Airport authorities. All passengers seem to be alright, except for some minor missfortunes: "Several people shat their pants, but that's all" told Jean Pillé, involved pilot in the accident. "We got <a href="http://starmen.net/contests/aoe/67/CabezaGrande2.gif">this<a> and we had to reboot the system 3 times in a row</i&g

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February 23, 200521 yr

Chimps Escape And Attack Staff

Tubo Caliente, California, US. Several chimpanzees escaped from their cages at an animal sanctuary and attacked workers, injuring two and abusing a woman, authorities said. At least one chimp was shot to death. One of the employees was badly injured when an chimp got a banana up his behind, and had to be airlifted to a hospital after the attack at the Animal Haven Ranch, about 20 miles from Bakersfield, said Cheryl Longwith, a sheriff's spokeswoman. The other employee's condition was not dis

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March 4, 200521 yr

Man Accused of Raping Cows

Jalisco City, Mx. Manuel Felipe Gutiérrez, 63-year-old man is charged with sexual gratification with an animal for allegedly having sex with calves. A criminal complaint filed in Morelia Municipal Court said the farm's owners installed a motion detector after regularly seeing footprints and vehicle tracks on their land. Around 4 a.m. the next morning, a sensor sounded and Gutiérrez was caught leaving the barn, but Gutiérrez allegedly said he just used a bathroom in the barn and had never been

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February 28, 200521 yr

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